Honest motherhood is something I talk about a lot on the internet. I try my best to share the good bits and the bad bits to show you all that it’s not always what it seems. But this week someone told me that my life seems so settled, happy & comfortable and while that is such a lovely compliment to receive, I can’t help but feel like it couldn’t be further from the truth. This life that I’m living right now, is a whirlwind. I feel stressed, overwhelmed, and pretty useless if I’m honest. The last time I asked for advice on the internet, I was trolled and while that is a downside to being an influencer, it still knocked me back. It knocked me when I needed picking up the most. I decided to take a step back from social media and it helped me focus on myself, just for a second. Having just had a baby, I should be enjoying every minute of this but it’s been 8 weeks now and I’m still finding it difficult.
Having 2 children is amazing, I absolutely love it but it’s hard, physically and mentally. Breastfeeding is hard, I’m still learning but every day it gets that little bit easier and I’m so glad we are finally getting somewhere with it. The night feeds are draining, constantly having a baby on your boob is hardwork when you’ve got so many other things that you need to be doing and trying to stop a toddler from trashing the house while you feed is also hard, though I seem to have mastered walking around with her whilst feeding if need be; for example if the toddler needs me to hold her hand to go for a wee.. On the topic of toilets, I thought we had got potty training down to a T but she has regressed massively and would much rather be in pull ups. We were doing so well and I’m so upset that we’re back to square one again. There’s only so many times you can mop up wee off the floor though before you have no choice but to start again.
The jealously has also started to kick in with my eldest, she’s 2 nearly 3, still only a baby herself really and that’s what I need to remember here but jealous streaks have started to come out in her and it’s very noticeable. She doesn’t like sharing at the minute, she’s started to push and hates it when she doesn’t get her own way. She gets jealous sometimes when I’m feeding and will try and push her sister away or will hide her dummy to try and get some attention. I have to have eyes in the back of my head with two of them around as my toddler will try and pick the baby up or pull her around, It’s frustrating and its not very nice at all but I’ve been told it’s all very normal, I guess I just thought this would all start at the beginning and not weeks down the line. I wasn’t expecting such a delayed reaction.
This is the same as what has happened with my anxiety levels, the first few weeks I was as cool as a cucumber, I was on cloud 9 and was so proud of myself for what I had achieved, I walked to the shop 4 days post partum and I felt pretty good, fast forward a few weeks and I’m hit with this horrible feeling of being overwhelmed, feeling like I can’t cope. The pressure is unreal, the pressure to be a good mum to both of my kids, a good partner, the pressure to feel good and not get hit with the dreaded PND, the pressure to recover, to manage the housework, my blog, and life in general. There’s just so much pressure and it’s hard with two kids in tow. It’s hard to do it all. I keep thinking to myself ‘It’s been 8 weeks, you should be feeling better by now’ and it makes me feel so guilty.
My biggest struggle
Getting out of the house with both kids on my own has been and still is, my biggest struggle yet. I get anxious, I always have done when it comes to going to the shop or even just leaving the house in general but I need to do it. For my own sanity. Staying indoors for days at a time is not good for me or my kids and I’ve realised that now. However my anxiety likes to do this thing where it makes me doubt myself. The other week I took the girls to Sainsburys (I know right – big deal) but it is for someone who usually gets her shopping delivered and would rather stay home with the kids because it’s easier than dragging them out.. anyway, I braved it.. I took both kids to the shop, baby in the pram, toddler on the buggy board.. we’ve got this, right? Wrong. The baby screams the shop down the moment we get in there, the toddler doesn’t want to stay on the buggy board and would rather run off. We get to the toy section and I get my littlest out of the pram to try and calm her down. Nope, she wasn’t having any of it. My minds on overdrive, I can’t think straight and everybody is staring at me and my screaming baby while my other child is pressing all the buttons on the noisy toys. I say to my toddler “come on, let’s go” and she refuses. Point blank refuses. What the hell do I do now? The baby is still in my arms screaming, I’m trying to push the pram, juggle my shopping and get the toddler to walk with me. Not gonna happen. In the end I let her pick a toy, of course she picked the most expensive one but I didn’t care, I just wanted to get out of there. I got to the tills, the baby is still crying, I daren’t look up, I could just imagine everybody staring at me. I paid for my items, got out of the shop as fast as I could, got the kids in the car and broke down crying. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can’t I even manage a trip to the shop on my own with them? It’s still playing on my mind and this happened last week. I need to be able to take them out on my own. It’s something I’ve got to work on.
My toddler isn’t the best walker, she gets tired very easily and like any other child, when she’s tired she plays up. I think I need to invest in a double stroller, the buggy board isn’t working for us and I don’t feel safe without her strapped in but on the other hand, she’s 4 months away from turning 3. It’s a tough one but after speaking to a few other 2 under 3 mums, I now know I’m not on my own. After writing this post I was scrolling through Facebook and stumbled across an article that made everything feel that little bit better. “You’re not doing it wrong, it’s just that hard” have a read, it’s absolutely brilliant if like me, you need a little pick me up. We’re all in this together and we’re all winging it, some are just better at looking like they’ve got their shit together.
Can you relate to any of this? Do you have any advice?